My pain, your joy.

Mar 23, 2005

Turns out people like laughing at my pain, so let me talk about how bad my life has sucked lately.

I started feeling some pain in my lower left side, that refused to go away. It felt surprisingly similiar to when I had an appendicitis, but even my sorry butt knows you only have one of those... so it had to be something else.

It was concerning enough that I actually went to the urgent care clinic on a Sunday. I'll skip the details, but three fun hours later, I finally see a doctor. I guess. I mean, at least she *said* she was a doctor. I figured her for janitor, or maybe a patient. A patient who got fell out of her trailor and knocked her busted up car off its blocks and hurt her large butt maybe. But no, it was the doctor. Leanne later pointed out very accurately that if we were betting on her profession, we are laying 10 to 1 odds on card dealer over doctor.

Anyway, she asks lots of important questions about my bowel movements, and point out they are mostly fine... its just that some piece of my innards hurt. She asks me to drop my drawers. Now, I am so horrified about what is about to happen I actually drop my drawers and rotate myself to stick my ass in her face. Somehow, she doesn't laugh and points out she just wants to check for a hernia. Strange coughing while a card dealer grabs your boys with your wife watching.

Then she has me lie down, and she pushes various parts of my innards to guage how far I can jump off the table in pain. Apparently my colon is what caused the biggest convultion. And she tells me that, as google had told me before, I likely had Divericulitis. It's an infection of part of the colon, alot like an appendicitis. It's apparently really common in people over 60 or so, and really rare in someone my age. Lucky me. She prescribes a liquid diet, 2 flavors of antibiotics, and a CT scan, and away we go.

We go fetch the prescriptions and at this point, I am still feeling pretty okay. A little pain in the colon, but that's really about it. Though, I am starting to feel a hint of sniffles. We get the meds filled and they talk alot about not drinking with one of them cuz I will hurl. Okay... fine. But when I get home and start reading the bottles, it also says "Take with food". Um, liquid diet... take with food... Yep, we were right. Card Dealer.

So, I take my first pill that night. Ya know how aspirin is sorta nasty bitter chaulky? Ya, that is nothing. *This* is bad news. It's like chomping on aspirin as if they were m&m's and that is just the outer dusty coating. But hey, whatever, it's just a pill. Off I go to bed.

Sing with me people... "What a difference... a day makes...". I wake up, and pretty much wish I never woke up again. To get a feel for whats up w/ me, you gotta get two commercials going. The first you know for sure, Nyquil, or however you spell it. You know, the night time, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching stuffy head, take me and you will wake up some time next week medicine. I have like *all* the symptoms for that drug, but I also have the symptoms from the Pepto Bismo commercial. I don't remember the jingle quite as well, but it has people doing the pepto dance, which is sorta like the macerena but for people afraid they are gonna crap their pants. And they sing about cramping, nausea, diarrhea and the like. Ya, I have all those symptoms, too.

Okay, so... we have colon pain, general digestion issues, and all the nasty cold probems (where by nasty, I mean... I am so congested that my TEETH hurt). What else could *possibly* be wrong? Try this on for size. My medication makes everything take like metal. Sorta... dirty metal. So while I am supposed to drink like 8 glasses of liquid a day, it's really unsavory to do so, cuz everything (including water, maybe even *especially* water) tastes NASTY. Food tasty nasty too, but it's unclear if I am supposed to eat, and it's unclear how much extra time I would have to spend in the restroom if I *did* eat. And trust me, I don't need more time there.

Okay, so feelin' pretty sweet, let's head on over for the CT scan! This is one of those things where... you think it's going to be no big deal, and it ends up sucking more than is reasonable. What I was picturing, is something like the CT scan I had with my broken foot. You hobble in, lay down, watching something whirl around you... go home. What I got was more like a kick to the jimmy.

Apparently, I have to drink some voodoo, cuz this is a "contrast" CT scan, whatever that means. I have to drink two drinks, one of them I think was similiar (or heck, maybe it *was*) Iodine, mixed into a drink of my choice. I chose grape juice, thinking that it was a strong flavor so it would hide the nastyness. The second was... I wanna say... barium? And it was pretty thick, white, and strangely fruity. The dude said "many people can't even taste the additive in the fruit drink". Ya, well, many people have no tastebuds apparently. It was JUST like you would think. Grape Juice... but with an after taste of ink. So far, every time I think about that drink, I shiver and gag a little. Not unlike the thought of Taquila :) Comparitely, the strangley thick white fruity voodoo wasn't that bad -- though, it drinking something thick and white like that while a bit nauseous (some english major is squirming, is it nauseated?) does get to you after a bit.

Getting the actual CT scan was nothing short of freakadelic. I got an IV, fine. I don't mind needles. Then, thankfully, the doctor warned me that I would have some "strange sensations". Apparently he used to just tell everyone that it would feel like they pee'd their pants. But he adjusted that once he had it down himself to "your scrotum will feel hot". Good tip. And he wasn't kidding. Some computer voice told me to "hold my breath" then my bed starting moving, while something was spinning -- and sure enough my whole body got hot, but there was a concentration of heat near the boys that would have been damn alarming if I wasn't warned. As it was, it was merely horrifying.

So, that is my story. I finally feel almost human this evening. I still have like... all the symptoms, but either they have lessened in strength or I am just getting used to them. I expect my life should be back to normal in a few days, though I have to keep taking the evil antibiotics for like 5 more days which can't be good.

Subtlety

Mar 06, 2005

Leanne and I dropped the munchkin off at the inlaws today, and went to see this year's best picture winner, Million Dollar Baby. The film was indeed quite good, and I can see why it won so many awards.

One of the previews before the movie was for Star Wars, Episode 3. This brought up memories of Episode 2 -- and allowed me to giggle at the contrast between Episode 2 and Million Dollar Baby.

One of the greatest things about Baby is it's simplicity... it's subtlety... something Star Wars didn't have a shred of. This is best demonstrated by comparing some dialog from the two movies:

Examples from Episode 2:
Anakin: It's all Obi Wan's fault, he is holding me back!
Meaning: He feels Obi Wan is at fault, presumibly for holding him back.

Anakin: I killed them, I killed them all, and I liked it!
Meaning: Well, he killed them. Oh, special bonus meaning, he is kinda evil.

From Baby:
Frankie (Clint Eastwood): Well, I guess you can keep the speed bag, just... try not to lose it.
Meaning: I am sorry I said you were too old, and I am sorry I am not willing to train you, but I have a lot of baggage I am holding on to. But I like you kid, you have heart.

Where Star War's has dialogue that is so forced it hurts, Million Dollar Baby lets the actors (gasp) act. Given that Natalie Portman has since been nominated for an oscar, it is safe to assume she can at least sorta act.

This all leads to my final point: someone needs a good kick in the jimmy, and his name is George Lucas.